You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
