my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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