my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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