wrigley field is MILF paradise
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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