I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
