does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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