all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
