two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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