I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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