i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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