i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
