His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
