ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
