Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
