maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
