somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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