took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
