I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
