Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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