This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
