Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
