Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
