At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize