Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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