my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
