My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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