woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
