I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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