Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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