That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
