You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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