My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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