You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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