Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
