I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
