No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
