was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I love you.
Bad choice
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
