we have pet lesbian snakes
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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