Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
