Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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