I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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