tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
