god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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