Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
