I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
