Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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