My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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