He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
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