She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
