I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
