Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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