So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize