I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize