so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
